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I’ve been experimenting with being in gratitude every day, even when I’m disgusted by things like massive oil spills and firing squads.

I’m too much of a curmudgeon to join the positive health movement, but I found this article in Medical News Today that stated:

In a study of organ recipients, researchers from UC Davis and the Mississippi University for Women found that patients who keep “gratitude journals” score better on measures of mental health, general health and vitality than those who keep only routine notes about their days.

Why they studied “organ recipients,” I have no idea. But personal experience tells me, that it gets my day framed up in a generally non-selfish manner. And how bad can that be?

As you can see by the temporal spread between today and my last post, blogging has been way out of my central focus.  Even my incessant twittering seemed to take a hit as my work load climbed, uncomfortable things happened in my life, and my energy plummeted. Just now recovering from hip surgery, my desire to care and feed my blog has re-emerged.

As most of my friends know, I love to read and write.  Being a “writer” has always been my dream from my days in college when I tucked my Sylvia Plath book securely under my arm, to the utter joy at the opportunity to produce a real book with Don Olson in 2001.  I seized the opportunity to write publicly even with twitter, and tried all sorts of little private social experiments, including tiny-lies and nano-manipulations (all in good fun, of course).  Sarcasm doesn’t always translate, by the way.

But at some point, the little shouts into the aether from my phone, the incessant influx of information, to the cynical tools available to leverage other people’s “content” for one’s own blogging advantage, I must admit began to discourage me.  But it wasn’t all bad.  In the face of personal tragedy and the loss of my new friend Kevin Haythe in July, it was indeed Twitter and SMS that kept me bouyed up.  People reached out to me in an immediate and meaningful way.  My relationships were indeed ambient, and as rich as a 140 characters burst allowed.

I’m not completely ambivalent.  The emergent social graph is only somewhat trustworthy, because I know that I can’t really always say what I feel, even when I want to.  It’s a form of psychological flooding and a transient moment can get trapped and absconded by robots and social silos.  Not to mention, misunderstood.  But, at the same time, even electronically-mediated communication doesn’t always have to preclude the beating of the human heart.  We have a new form of unity and togetherness that can be adopted for good.  I like that.

I admit it; I’m an addict.  An addict that is wildly hooked on the process of Getting Things Done (GTD), even though it is wrecking my life and my relationships with others.  I even went to mecca (San Francisco) and saw the man - David Allen - in person.  It was so religious.

GTD rests on the principle that a person needs to move tasks out of the mind by recording them externally. That way, the mind is freed from the job of remembering everything that needs to be done, and can concentrate on actually performing those tasks. [wikipedia]

The nature of addiction, however, is to compulsively attend to the process of getting high at the cost of other obligations.  Enter the GTD addict.  I can’t even have a conversation at work without mumbling, “oh, gotta do that” to myself and whipping out my notebook or hot-keying may way to success with my Omnifocus tool.  The process of freeing my mind feels incredibly important to me; I’m a believer!

The term addiction is … applied to compulsions that are not substance-related, such as problem gambling and computer addiction. In these kinds of common usages, the term addiction is used to describe a recurring compulsion by an individual to engage in some specific activity, despite harmful consequences to the individual’s health, mental state or social life. [wikipedia]

My filtrbox alerts are filled with GTD tricks and tools.  I haunt 43folders and troll every new online or computer-based system that emerges with fresh promise of saving me from myself.  I have guilt and anxiety over my mailbox which I can seem to get below 50 and then when I do get everything in its proper place, I admit that I struggle to find just the right “next thing.”  I dream of mailbox-zero.  I have to do it.  I need that sticky note there.  I need to check off that box.  And if you aren’t on my list, you don’t exist to me.

my brain on GTD

But, for all the promise of psychic freedom, I think I love the ritual more than its benefits.  I can process with the best of them, but then I fall off the curve and plan for just that moment to climb back on. I’m just another addict with a habit.  Albeit, a very busy one who gets $h*t done.

If you need me, I’ll be walking the dog.  It’s my “next action.”

Image via Wikipedia

Sure, redoing my blog for the 5th time seemed fun at first.  I have had upwards of 4 blogs at any one time that always starts with a burst of focus and energy and flashes out as I become exceedingly bored with myself.  Besides, it’s so easy to tweet my way through the day (follow: traktrgrl); but even then what starts out as ooooh Ambient Intimacy, soon becomes mind-numbing.  As you can see, I haven’t even posted here since March 9th and the raw count of my tweets has dwindled to a couple a week.

In March, I quit my job as Director of Engineering at Me.dium, Inc. Nothing personal, it was really more of a lifestyle choice.  I’ve been involved in startups at some level for almost 10 years and after almost 2 years as Director at Me.dium, I just wanted to flex some other brain cells.  I wish the team at Me.dium nothing but success (hey, after all, I’m still an “owner” as options do vest) and still like to stop by when I can.  Keep your eye on this company.

Lot’s of stuff happened since then, and I’m not really sure if blogging about it will provide any curative powers.  Most horribly, I lost a friend Kevin Haythe in July; a man who deeply affected me in such a short time with his intelligence, humor, and deep thoughtfulness.  I sorely miss him.  I keep myself busy and try to push the loss to the edge, but miss the future promise of our relationship.  Besides, one can’t stay busy all the time even if you try, a void has a tendency to stay empty.

Kevin Haythe

So, I’m back.  I plan on restarting the conversation online and in the wet world - sharing the things that are on my mind; green technology, the sociable web, and Sarah Palin’s hairstyle.  And to Kevin, rest in peace my friend.  I’m finally ready to let you find your way.

What happens when you disrupt the social Stream of activity and people around you? This is one of the greatest pranks ever captured; imagine stopping time in Grand Central Station and how the people around you respond to the world standing still. It happened and it is astounding.